Nobody may read this.
Yet I decided to start blogging. Not so that I could platform my innermost thoughts in order to receive some sort of validation from the public. I decided to start blogging because my mind was on overload. So many thoughts were swimming through my brain at once that I wasn't able to focus and meditate on anything. Therefore I am doing this as a release, a way of focusing on one thing and learning how to articulate the concepts that are running through my brain faster than Usain Bolt. (Okay maybe not quite as fast as Usain.) So if you choose to continue reading, I pray that God will speak to you through my thoughts and struggles.
I have been very discontent lately.
It hasn't been a contextual discontentment, which I have felt many times before. This is much different. I love Jesus. I love my wife. I love being a youth pastor at River Valley Church. I love doing ministry in Faribault, Minn. I have been getting poured into more than ever before, and have been pouring into more people than ever before. Yet I'm haunted by this feeling of discontentment. A feeling that I'm missing out on something. A longing for more. More Jesus. More joy in my marriage. More joy in my own heart. More students to reach. I just want more. As I have been combating this feeling of discontent in my mind - trying to fight it off while simultaneously trying to understand it - I feel that I have arrived at a small breakthrough.
I'm homesick.
As I've gotten closer to Jesus I've been thinking more and more about Heaven and the comfort that His eternal presence will bring. It's ironic, but it seems that the closer I get to Jesus, the more I recognize the gap between Heaven and Earth. It brings into context what the Apostle Paul means in 2 Corinthians when he says that we are only ambassadors on Earth. He's simply saying that this is not our home. We are only here for a short time, representing the God of Heaven, which is our true home. Therefore, I've arrived at the conclusion that I caused the feeling of discontentment that has been gnawing at my mind. I tried to force myself to feel at home on this Earth, when we are meant to feel at home only when we are in Heaven. The feeling of true contentment is not found in God's presence on this Earth, it's found in the fullness of His presence in Heaven. He gives us glimpses of peace and comfort here on Earth, but that's just so that we will stay focused on the hope of Heaven. The hope found in being completely surrounded and submerged in His presence.
So what I've been truly longing for is not more joy in my heart, or more students in my youth ministry. What I've been longing for is Heaven. I've been longing for something that I have absolutely no control over, going to Heaven. So ultimately, God is teaching me submission. I can't do anything to get to Heaven any sooner. So for now I will submit to God's will for my life here on Earth, even if that means fighting through this feeling of discontentment for the rest of my Earthly life.
I'm homesick for a Heaven that I've never been to. I'm hopeful for the comfort that I'll feel when I arrive on that distant shore. But I'm not there yet, I'm still out at sea. I'm seasick for the feeling of the eternal sand underneath my feet. I'm seasick for the feeling of solid ground. I'm seasick. But submitted to God's will. So I'll stay seasick as long as my captain leads me out on these dreadful seas. I'll stay seasick, holding on the mast as the wind and waves toss me back and forth. I'll stay seasick even though it's not always ideal, or enjoyable. I'll stay seasick because I am submitting my life to God, and living in His perfect will.
I'm seasick. But Hopeful.
